Actually, Yes, I WOULD Like Cheese With My Whine.

I moved on Sunday from Phuket to Khao Lak which was to be about 90 minutes by private car. I probably spent more than 90 minutes trying to sort out the drive. I found a service online which gave me a quote that was about 30 dollars less than one which a man at the hotel’s concierge gave me (everyone’s on commission) but I left it really late to book so I was nearly ready to settle for the safe-bet. The online service required pre-payment with PayPal and I was a bit skeptical; I mean if they never showed up, what could I do? Well, after a lot of hassle getting online, getting my PayPal password sent to me and writing back and forth with the car service company, I set up the booking. To my relief, the driver showed up twenty minutes early and was extremely professional. She drove with two hands on the wheel almost the entire time at a moderate pace without any death-defying overtaking. We even arrived a little bit early.

Initially, I was rather disappointed with my new resort, despite reading a dozen of the more than 80 excellent reviews at TripAdvisor.com. There was nothing really wrong with the new place, and had I gone there first (thus, not comparing it to the Sheraton Laguna) then I am I sure that I would have loved it instantly.

The Merlin Hotel in Khao Lak is a collection of villas in the jungle with four pools and even fewer steps to the beach than the Sheraton. The beach here at Khao Lak is unspoiled, clear of tourists and dotted with only a few huts marketing food, drinks and massages. Having been here three days now, I have come to really like The Merlin. It doesn’t have the lagoon, the golf-cart shuttles around the resort and the luxurious guest rooms, but it also doesn’t have the crowds or high prices.

Being in the jungle, one must expect to see jungle-y things in the dark hours of the night. While eating dinner at a nearby outdoor restaurant, I was visited by several frogs, geckos and millipedes along with a huge green flying insect with wings big enough to give to a small child to wear for Hallowe'en. There were ants in my bathroom big enough to carry my book and towel down to the pool but I wasn’t sure how to command them to do so, so they got squished instead.

Enough about bugs (except that I officially hate mosquitoes more than ever), I have had trouble connecting to the internet. Not being a tourist-haven (this region was most damaged by the 2004 Tsunami and the tourists are still slow to return) there isn’t much call for wireless here – or so I thought.

Of the four actual restaurants in the street (actual means those that have concrete floors, a roof and pay rent), one – the Italian – advertised free wireless internet. Not wanting any Western food for the whole trip (honest, I’ve eaten Asian food every day since I arrived), I chose the grossly over-priced Italian just for the wi-fi connection. They gave me the security code (a very complex 1-2-3-4-5) and I surfed until my battery died. My primary objective was to set up some day-trips for the 25th-28th and find somewhere to stay from the 26th-30th. I sent e-mails to leave messages but I ran out of time to collect replies.

Since the restaurant had only two walls, I knew I could return the next day to tap into the wireless system from the street. Then, I could quickly check to see if I had any replies from the tour companies I wrote to. Well, this system wasn't fool-proof. The only message I got was a set of evil eyes from a man who must have been the manager – realizing I was “borrowing” their internet waves from afar. He subsequently arranged to shut their network down which in retrospect is really funny because I totally deserved that.

Getting the hint, I returned to my hotel where I asked the reception agent about their internet charges. I roughly remember it being about $30 for an unlimited day-pass or $12 an hour (which couldn’t be broken up and used a few minutes at a time or I would have done that from the start). Luckily (or so I thought) the agent saw my laptop in hand and informed me there is free wireless in the hotel’s evening lounge. Duh! Why didn’t I ask in the first place? Off I went.

The unlucky part (in addition to STILL not having the reply I want) is that the local cover band was attempting to perform in the lounge. By attempting, I mean that they can’t sing, play instruments or entertain at all. Simon Cowell would not know where to begin with them, they were so bad. I hope the drum machine collects most of the fee they will receive. It seems the female singer, who is slightly better than completely brutal, learned her English pop songs phonetically, so there are random pauses for the bits she couldn’t figure out and weird lyrics for the bits she thought she deciphered. I respect her attempts for singing in a foreign language, but the vocals just ain't right.

Of the two men, the one on the guitar is either joining in with the other two for the very first time, having his very first-ever guitar lesson right here, right now or he just plain stinks. His playing sounds more like he is trying to tune up his guitar during the songs – or as if he hears a note on the drum machine that he recognizes and then hurriedly plays every note until he gets a match. Of course, the song has progressed by the time the match is made so you can guess the rest. I won’t even go there on the third guy. I can’t tell if he is trying to harmonize or if he is just so off-key but either way, he is no doubt doing his part to ensure that the only people in this beautiful outdoor lounge that seats about 100 are six other internet surfers like me, desperate to get online, offline and then away from the entertainment.

I have just re-read this entry and realized that I have been very harsh and very critical of the band so I wish to make a retraction.

The band turned out to be very entertaining.